Today, I am grateful...very grateful.
I noticed today that it has been close to two years since my last blog entry...somewhat telling of my life the past two years. Jobs have come and gone, my then 6 month old is now almost two and a half and I have another beautiful boy who will be six months in January. We have suffered great losses and thankfully dodged other great losses. We have moved since then to a different city with a different church, and will be moving again over Christmas into our first home. Life is flying by. At times, I have been treading water, doing all I can to avoid sinking.
I am grateful for the place and spirit that God has brought me to today - the conviction to just BE GRATEFUL. I am grateful for my upbringing, grateful for my parents, grateful for the 23 years I had with my brother, the 30 years that I had with my father, grateful for the lives of my mother and siblings and the precious time I get to spend with them. I am grateful for my family of origin.
I am grateful for the two years that I had the opportunity to serve over seas, grateful for the freedom that I have in knowing my faith will always be with me, grateful for experiencing the freedom that comes with being a sinner saved by grace, grateful for a God who knows my brokenness and never leaves me when I am deep in it. I am grateful for my Jesus and the way He loves me.
I am grateful for my husband, grateful that he loves his family passionately, grateful for the opportunity to travel the world with him, grateful for our commitment when things get rough, grateful for my eight plus years with him - including the ups and downs, grateful that each day - I am able to love him more and more, grateful that for the moment - we are both healthy, grateful to be a parent with him. I am grateful for my husband.
I am especially grateful today for my children. I am beyond words with gratitude and love that I have for both of them. I was reminded today of the precious and miraculous gift of my boys' lives. Grateful for the gift of being able to conceive, two beautiful pregnancies, quick and *for the most part* painless and complication-free births, quick recovery, and two amazingly - beautiful, healthy and happy baby boys. THIS. IS. A. GIFT. And it brings me to tears whenever I stop to think about how beautifully Divine it is...I don't do that enough.
I am grateful for the opportunity to work. I have worked hard to achieve what I have. I have waited a long time to do what I have the opportunity to do now. I am grateful that I have an office with three amazingly beautiful - inside and out - women. I am grateful that I found a workplace where healing is alive and active every day, a job where I get to shed tears with clients who have suffered heavy, hard lives - these tears are healing and necessary to move on in our lives - to do the hard work and learn to love ourselves and trust in our Higher Power. I am grateful for The Bridge and the inexplicable healing it fosters through the hands of a Divine Healer - I cannot believe I get to work there. I am grateful to be a new Alumni of The Bridge. I am grateful to be a wounded healer.
As of lately, I have convinced myself that my life has become "unmanageable" ...in some aspects it has and for those aspects of it I say, "Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...just for today." I have recently come to the realization that there are certain things in my life - circumstances - a few cruddy cards that I have been dealt - that I am POWERLESS over - as much as I try to control them, fix them, become their caretaker on a daily basis - I cannot. What I can do is love myself more in order to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and therapist. To learn to give these "things" up is a lesson that it has taken me 31 years to learn - but grateful that it has ONLY taken me 31 years. The gift of insight and awareness is priceless. What I can do is be okay in the brokenness and trust my God to provide the strength and willpower that I do not have on my own. I am grateful to be powerless - it's out of my hands.
Giving back shame that is not mine to carry and I am grateful that I no longer carry it.
What I can do is enjoy EVERY MOMENT of this precious life. I have been so caught up in the "transitions" in life that I am missing the precious time that I've been given. I have let stress, anxiety, and hypervigilence rule (and sometimes ruin) my life. I have been trying to micromanage my time so diligently that time is slipping me by. I will be okay with what I can do and not kill myself because of what I simply cannot. I am a working mother and wife, with a husband and two young children. It is the most difficult and most prized job in the world...I WORK...a helluva lot. I will give myself some slack...and I will force *you* to give me some slack (whoever or whatever you are). I will not feel bad, for what I cannot or choose not to do - because to put it bluntly - my family is more important to me and they will grow up knowing and feeling that. My life may still remain an unmanageable mess - but it will be a beautiful unmanageable mess that I savor every moment of. I will calm down and take care of myself and my family - because a healthy life is a happy life. I will savor the moments and opportunities to serve and have fellowship in my church, simply because I love it and I see how much my two year old loves it. I will welcome with open arms, visitors - family and friends, who wish to be a part of our lives - because YOU are VERY IMPORTANT to me. My home will be warm and welcoming and a representation of the love that I feel every day for myself, my family, and my God - it may be a mess...but a warm and welcoming one.
"When I loved myself enough"...I learned what is important in life - loving myself well in order to love others well...and THAT *not a "great job" and certainly not money* has brought great joy to my life.
