I'm Still Into You

Of all the good things in my life...all the things I dreamed that I wanted as a little girl, all the things I hoped that I would have in my adult life, all of the relationships that I have made, all the things I've done, places I've been, people I've met - (boyfriends I've had ;) )...YOU ARE my favorite.

I never could have dreamt up the life that we would have together.  Saying that, you know that I don't say it in a "dreamy, fairytale, picturesque...everything is always perfect" kind of way...but in a way that is representative of this beautiful, raw, imperfect life that we have made together.  You are my best friend and will always be my best friend...

Look at this amazing life together that we have been given.  I could not be more completely in love with one person.  

There have been countless moments where we have hurt one another...times where we felt as though we might not make it - I have never - for one moment - stopped loving you and I know that you have never stopped loving me.  In those moments...I hold on to the truth of how crazy in love with you that I am...

Marrying you, I knew that our big God was going to have big things in store for us.  

I knew that marrying you would be one of the best decisions that I ever made.

I didn't expect some of the challenges...but those challenges have made us better people.  I knew that marrying you, would make me a better person.

I knew that marrying you, I would have someone to hold me and help me when life would get tough...and life has gotten tough for both of us...

 
I knew that by marrying you, I would be investing wisely in the lives of my future children...giving them an earthly father that would love them beyond compare...




I love the way you love your boys.  I knew that you would be so in love with them...

I had imagined that one day, I would love watching you play with our children...but I never dreamed it would be this beautiful...

I had no idea how beautifully imperfect our lives would be...but it is the best life I could ever imagine this side of Heaven.  You give me a reason to be so thankful every morning when I wake up beside you.  I would marry you ten times over.  

Today we have been married for 8 years.  I still get butterflies looking across the room at you.  I love your passion for life and I love to watch you do things that you're passionate about - I am so proud to call you my husband.   Sometimes at night when I remember to pray, I am brought to tears with the amount of love that I have for you.  I think you are the sexiest man alive and I fall in love with you more every day.  These have been the best 8 years of my life.  


After all this time, I'm still into you...

Can't count the years on one hand

That we've been together

I need the other one to hold you

Make you feel, make you feel better

It's not a walk in the park

To love each other

But when our fingers interlock,

Can't deny, can't deny you're worth it

'Cause after all this time I'm still into you

I should be over all the butterflies

But I'm into you (I'm into you)

And baby even on our worst nights

I'm into you (I'm into you)

Let 'em wonder how we got this far

'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all

Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you

Being grateful for my unmanageable life...

Today, I am grateful...very grateful.

I noticed today that it has been close to two years since my last blog entry...somewhat telling of my life the past two years.  Jobs have come and gone, my then 6 month old is now almost two and a half and I have another beautiful boy who will be six months in January.  We have suffered great losses and thankfully dodged other great losses.  We have moved since then to a different city with a different church, and will be moving again over Christmas into our first home.  Life is flying by.  At times, I have been treading water, doing all I can to avoid sinking.  

I am grateful for the place and spirit that God has brought me to today - the conviction to just BE GRATEFUL.  I am grateful for my upbringing, grateful for my parents, grateful for the 23 years I had with my brother, the 30 years that I had with my father, grateful for the lives of  my mother and siblings and the precious time I get to spend with them.  I am grateful for my family of origin.

I am grateful for the two years that I had the opportunity to serve over seas, grateful for the freedom that I have in knowing my faith will always be with me, grateful for experiencing the freedom that comes with being a sinner saved by grace, grateful for a God who knows my brokenness and never leaves me when I am deep in it.  I am grateful for my Jesus and the way He loves me.

I am grateful for my husband, grateful that he loves his family passionately, grateful for the opportunity to travel the world with him, grateful for our commitment when things get rough, grateful for my eight plus years with him - including the ups and downs, grateful that each day - I am able to love him more and more, grateful that for the moment - we are both healthy, grateful to be a parent with him.  I am grateful for my husband.

I am especially grateful today for my children. I am beyond words with gratitude and love that I have for both of them.  I was reminded today of the precious and miraculous gift of my boys' lives.  Grateful for the gift of being able to conceive, two beautiful pregnancies, quick and *for the most part* painless and complication-free births, quick recovery, and two amazingly - beautiful, healthy and happy baby boys.  THIS. IS. A. GIFT.  And it brings me to tears whenever I stop to think about how beautifully Divine it is...I don't do that enough.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work.  I have worked hard to achieve what I have.  I have waited a long time to do what I have the opportunity to do now.  I am grateful that I have an office with three amazingly beautiful - inside and out - women.  I am grateful that I found a workplace where healing is alive and active every day, a job where I get to shed tears with clients who have suffered heavy, hard lives - these tears are healing and necessary to move on in our lives - to do the hard work and learn to love ourselves and trust in our Higher Power.  I am grateful for The Bridge and the inexplicable healing it fosters through the hands of a Divine Healer - I cannot believe I get to work there.  I am grateful to be a new Alumni of The Bridge.  I am grateful to be a wounded healer.

As of lately, I have convinced myself that my life has become "unmanageable" ...in some aspects it has and for those aspects of it I say, "Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...just for today."  I have recently come to the realization that there are certain things in my life - circumstances - a few cruddy cards that I have been dealt - that I am POWERLESS over - as much as I try to control them, fix them, become their caretaker on a daily basis - I cannot.  What I can do is love myself more in order to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and therapist.  To learn to give these "things" up is a lesson that it has taken me 31 years to learn - but grateful that it has ONLY taken me 31 years.  The gift of insight and awareness is priceless.  What I can do is be okay in the brokenness and trust my God to provide the strength and willpower that I do not have on my own.  I am grateful to be powerless - it's out of my hands.  

Giving back shame that is not mine to carry and I am grateful that I no longer carry it.

What I can do is enjoy EVERY MOMENT of this precious life.  I have been so caught up in the "transitions" in life that I am missing the precious time that I've been given.  I have let stress, anxiety, and hypervigilence rule (and sometimes ruin) my life.  I have been trying to micromanage my time so diligently that time is slipping me by.  I will be okay with what I can do and not kill myself because of what I simply cannot.  I am a working mother and wife, with a husband and two young children.  It is the most difficult and most prized job in the world...I WORK...a helluva lot.  I will give myself some slack...and I will force *you* to give me some slack (whoever or whatever you are).  I will not feel bad, for what I cannot or choose not to do - because to put it bluntly - my family is more important to me and they will grow up knowing and feeling that.  My life may still remain an unmanageable mess - but it will be a beautiful unmanageable mess that I savor every moment of.  I will calm down and take care of myself and my family - because a healthy life is a happy life.  I will savor the moments and opportunities to serve and have fellowship in my church, simply because I love it and I see how much my two year old loves it.  I will welcome with open arms, visitors - family and friends, who wish to be a part of our lives - because YOU are VERY IMPORTANT to me.  My home will be warm and welcoming and a representation of the love that I feel every day for myself, my family, and my God - it may be a mess...but a warm and welcoming one.

"When I loved myself enough"...I learned what is important in life - loving myself well in order to love others well...and THAT *not a "great job" and certainly not money* has brought great joy to my life.  

I. AM. GRATEFUL.

Days 6 & 7!!

WHEW!  Over halfway done!  Eating will commence Wednesday night at dinner - my fast will be broken at church.  Scott is leading a new 8 week Bible Study and we always have dinner before.  Wednesday night I believe dinner will be homemade chicken pot pie!  YAY!  Bring it!  Although, I know I will need to pace myself and only eat a small portion since my body isn't used to solid food/protein/carbs/anything hot.  *lol*  But I'm SO excited!  :)

I don't have any pictures from yesterday or today.  I've been super lazy to be honest, despite the fact that I do have a lot of energy and feel pretty good (aside from being hungry ;) ).  Yesterday was pretty much the worst day ever - mentally.  We didn't really have time to make breakfast yesterday and Sunday morning is always a crazy rush to get the three of us ready.  So, for breakfast I had some leftover juice from the morning before and headed out the door with Bryan.  We get to church and there are tables set up in the lobby and fellowship hall for the 10am brunch that the church is having and we HAVE to stay for the 11am service to make an announcement.  *uuugggghhh* It was pretty tough standing and chatting with people as they ate and as everyone else around me ate - but I did it, without too much agony.  After church we headed to the apartment to pick up some food for Mr. Bryan, an extra change of clothes for him, and some "lunch & dinner" for me (& Scott if he chose to partake).  So, feeling like I was in serious need of some veg, I juiced up a TON of spinach, carrot, & apple - with like a 1/2 cup of watermelon.  It filled up my plastic jug about halfway with some green/brown nastiness.  (I actually hadn't tasted of it yet.)  Then we're on our merry way to the Grandparents' house to spend the day.  We walk in the door and I am engulfed in the sinfully delicious aroma of fried chicken.  BBBAAAHHH!!!  I looked in the kitchen and there it was, piled high on a platter in all its greasy glory...surrounded by all of its favorite sidekicks: mac n' cheese, mashed potatoes, and fluffy white biscuits.  I was so hungry I could have smacked someone.  I fled the scene as quick as possible trying to get out my nose's reach.  I ran to the garage to put my disgusting juice in the fridge - opened the door there only to be greeted by my old friends 2% milk and Dr. Pepper (I would have drank them both simultaneously at that point).  I then avoided the kitchen by way of the formal dining room and then into the tv room. I headed straight to the couch where I wanted to bury myself so far that I couldn't see where I was, in hopes that I would forget the chicken in the next room that was calling my name.  Anyway, I took about a 2 hour nap while everyone else ate.  After my nap I went into the kitchen where everything had been cleared *thankfully* and the chicken smell had cleared. :)  However, it's always tough at the in-laws' because you can guarantee that there is ALWAYS some sort of chocolate, dessert, or coke.  We stayed there until church that night at 6pm and I amazingly avoided ALL of the above!!!  One million points: ME.

Today's been easier, without all of the temptation around...but I am certainly still hungry.  PRAISE GOD that I am DONE on Wednesday at dinnertime!  WOOOHOO!  Today I've only eaten fruit though...I just can't bring myself to drink any more vegetables.  BLECH!!  I would much rather EAT veggies than drink them...I will GLADLY eat my vegetables now!

HALFWAY!!!!!!!

WOOT WOOT!!! :)  I am SO happy to remind everyone that we are HALFWAY through this 10 day juice fast!  Today, I unfortunately don't have any pictures...I guess I've been kind of lazy today.  Actually, other than breakfast that Scott juiced for me in a hurry so I could take it to work with me, I haven't juiced anything today.  Yep.  I had another small bowl of fruit at work today.  I came home pretty hungry but just wasn't feeling up to juicing.  I don't feel bad physically, I'm just tired of juicing...or I needed a break.

Breakfast was pretty good - but a nasty radioactive green/yellow color: Kiwis, Mango, Blueberries, and Apples.  After work I decided to go by Kroger and stock up a bit on some things that I was running out of.  I also, taking some advice from Shea, decided to buy a half gallon of Chocolate Almond Milk.  It's still super-low calorie and made from almost all natural ingredients and it provided some AMAZING relief from the mundane juice flavor/texture.  I also picked up a 64oz jug of V8...never thought I'd say that.  However, after drinking some of my cucumber or beet concoctions, it was a pleasant and much welcomed tomato-y taste.  :)

That's all I've had today though...I know I should be consuming more but I'm just tired of drinking stuff. Scott just made me some hot raspberry tea, but it's a welcome change too.  Going to Kroger twice today was kind of tough, and for those of you non-Owensborinians(ites?) Kroger is right next to Five Guys...ugggghhhh.  The smell KILLS me.  I want a cheeseburger so bad.  We even watched "Food Inc." yesterday and I STILL want a cheeseburger. haha

Well, time to watch some "Guy vs. Rachel"....not sure why I'm doing this to myself.  They're doing a fried chicken cook-off.  Bbbaaaaahhhh!!

Goal for tomorrow - more juice!  Less whining.

Day 4

It's the end of day 4.  It's 8:40pm and the day has been pretty good overall.  My throat is hurting pretty bad today...I read on another blog that a sore throat is one of the symptoms of detox.  My energy was pretty good today though.  I'm staying kind of hungry, after a chat w/ my brother we figured that I'm probably not juicing enough.  Tomorrow I'll juice more, but I'm getting pretty tired of the frothiness of the juice and the taste of veggies in juice form *blech*.  BUT, I feel good about sticking to it and about actually consuming said veggie juice, I consider that quite an accomplishment.  I would kill for a coke right about now...and a brownie with vanilla ice cream...or a Chik-fil-A sandwich....................

I always daydream about food when I'm typing.  Anyway, here's what the day looked like:

 For breakfast, Scott made us a yummy smoothie with bananas, strawberries, and a little apple juice to thin it out. Yum!  What an amazing husband I have...he drinks breakfast and dinner with me.  :)  We went to a student gathering at KWC tonight where they always provide dinner and dessert, he even passed on an AMAZING smelling meal with me!  :)  A good guy.

Lunch was not so amazing.  An apple, carrots, spinach, and cucumber.  If you don't like cucumbers to begin with, don't juice with them!  See all that bright green froth on top of my juice - pulpy, cucumber flavored froth. SO GROSS.  I tried a few gulps then had to spoon it off the top.  I'm getting to where I can't really stomach my drinks with veggies in them...they get to me quickly.

 SO, although I wasn't a fan of the cucumber-y, spinach-y lunch...guess who was!

Bryan LOVED it!  So funny!  I put a little bit of the froth on the tip of my finger for him to taste and he immediately started reaching, mouth wide open.  Adorable.  What a great role model for his Mommy.  He motivated me to drink a bit more of it. (What you don't see is my apple-juice chaser on the coffee table...it's my go-to chaser of choice.  haha)

Well, I'm tired...and hungry...tomorrow is halfway!  WOOHOO!  :)

Day 3 - Yams & Pineapple, hooray!

It's Day 3 of my 10 day juice fast.  I'm still feelin' pretty okay aside from the occasional fast food/snacky craving.  I had to go to Kroger's for work today...so that was kind of annoying, but as I walked out the door with my bags in hand I was hit square in the nostrils with the sinful aroma of Five Guys right next door.  THEN, I get back to work and hop out of the car only to be greeted by the most amazing pizza smell.  Ugh.  :(  I would love a giant slice of pizza...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............................

Okay, refocus.  So breakfast this morning was yummy. Two oranges, 1 apple, 1 lime, and a handful of red & white grapes.  I have to confess, at work today I had some fruit - however, it was completely etiquette based!  The lady I work for couldn't stand to have me sit there and watch her eat her soup and fruit, so I told her it would be okay if I had a little fruit with her.  I didn't consider this cheating...I only had fresh fruit...just not in juice form.  I have resisted every other temptation so I'm pretty proud (and surprised by) of myself so far.

I decided to be a little adventurous for lunch.  Two tomatoes, 1/2 a jalapeño, a handful of spinach, some garlic salt, and a few drops of Tobasco.  Okay for the first few drinks, but it got old after a while and desperately needed something to cover up the taste afterwards.

 So, in order to cover up the tomato/garlic-y taste I took a leftover glass of the berry blend I made for breakfast yesterday morning, threw it in a saucepan and heated it up.  It made for quite a nice change.  It was just good to eat/drink something hot.  A hot berry soup...not bad, just too tart to finish it all.  It did the trick though...I think it could have been much better if it had had some pineapple or apple in it to cut some of the tartness.

         

As I ate my warm berry soup, this little guy was happy as a clam sitting on the floor playing, talking to himself, and bouncing up and down to the music in the background.  Was hoping to catch a glimpse of his two little teeth in the pic, but he was too quick.  :)  

I wasn't too excited about dinner to be honest.  The juicing is kind of a task, but figuring out what to juice...hoping to get the right flavor combo so my dinner won't suck...that's kind of tough.  I wasn't feeling very excited about having more juiced veggies either, but I've been seeing this recipe online and it intrigued me, so Scott juiced it up for me.  :)

4 oranges

1 pineapple

1 yam

DELICIOUS! (As far as juiced fruits & veggies go)  It was a much needed break after like 3 green drinks that I've had the past couple of days.  The pineapple and yam make a pretty palatable flavor combo and the yam give the juice a nice thick but not too thick consistency, PLUS I noticed it was virtually pulp free which was nice...now, I just need to figure out a way to get rid of that stupid froth that accumulates on top...I guess I could spoon it off...but I'd feel like I was throwing away the healthy part...because the juice itself isn't....healthy....enough????  Yep.  I think I just won that argument with myself.

It's about 8:30pm now and I would still kill for a Five Guys little cheeseburger, Taco Bell soft taco with no lettuce and mild sauce, or even the stupid Cheez-its that are still haunting me from the pantry.  I'm hungry for food that is greasy and tastes good.  I am hungry...as I'm sitting here typing this my stomach is growling, but I don't want to drink anything else today.  I want those freakin' Cheez-its.  *lol*  Oh well.  Tomorrow is Day 4 and I am anticipating a little discomfort...mentally and physically...I feel like I'm kind of sitting here waiting for the detox to kick in and wreak its havoc.  We'll see...for now I'm going to attempt to distract myself with either some Hulu or Netflix.

Day 2

Well, day two is coming to a close.  It's honestly been fine except for desperately wanting to pull something from my pantry to eat.  Here's what breakfast looked like this morning:

A Berry Blend for clear skin!  Loaded with antioxidants.  Pretty yummy...but it was blended and not juiced.  This method led to a thick, more smoothie consistency and lots of seeds to chew on.  It took me most of the morning to finish it.

Lunch today was tolerable but still not my favorite.  Today's lunch recipe was: 1 carrot, 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 yam,  a hand full of spinach, and a tiny bit of ginger root.  I think I'm having a tough time with the texture of the yams.  We'll see, maybe it'll grow on me.

Dinner: Mango, Watermelon, Kiwi, Grapes, Lemon, Cucumber, & Carrots

A full day of juice...doing ok, but hungry.  It helped a LOAD talking with my brother this evening.  There were several times where even the Cheez-its in the pantry just kept calling my name...but I resisted. We'll see how tomorrow goes!